I can't believe I've went a day or two without a political post. But I'm not up for it now, so I'll talk about other things. I have felt rather inward lately; introspective, if you will, although that's become such a cliche term now, that I hate using it. You know, just examining what I believe, what I don't believe, what moves me, and (what bearlover probably thinks is the longer list) what I just can't stand. The past few months have been times I've felt like pushing and purging a bit more out and just laying it out there. I have nothing to lose, although fear grips me at times from saying anything that I really want to. Contrary to popular belief, I hold my tongue more than people realize. Sometimes I think my head just might explode from it.

It amazes me that some journals I've seen on here, and on Blogger, are nothing but meme's, surveys, and questionnaires. Not that there are a lot, but that's all that's on those journals. What the hell kind of blogging is that? It becomes an advertisement for idiocy, rather than something real. I don't mind the occasional meme. I still don't know what "meme" stands for or comes from, for the record. I put up a few meme's to get people to be more interactive, but it fails miserably every time. Sometimes it makes me wonder if anyone is reading at all, or if people just see my blog as some random fat guy with a loud mouth and a need for attention. Of course there are folks like jameth who have a preponderance of pictures and not much else. I suppose that, in turn, becomes his type of blogging, the moblog (mobile blog).

I found myself agreeing with a friend's blog I read today. I hope he forgives me, as does anyone finding this entry, because I plan to use some of his words. Not because I don't have my own words, but rather he could not have said it better than he did in his entry. I will elaborate, alter, and tweak it as I go along. His words are in italics, just so we know whose words are whose. I've added my own stuff in between. The odd thing is, I've never officially come out to my parents, or friends back home. I've typed about it openly here, but even that is different in that any gay related entry was filtered Friends Only before. It was never public. I also realize, passively/aggressively so, that most of those people I mentioned don't read my blog, and if they do, not a word has been said about it. I get a little offended, and quite bored, with the "They've met you, haven't they?" response from people who have nothing original to come up with. (It's sort of like the people who use some Ernie and Bert joke, or Ernest Goes To _____ joke, as if they're the first ones in my forty years to come up with that trite horse shit. It doesn't irritate me so much as make me think a bit less of the person. I hate cliche shit like that.)

Even at 40, I feel like I'm on the still-ongoing long, arduous process of freeing myself from all the preconceived notions of who I should be, how I should behave and what I should believe. It has taken years and great effort to even begin to change and shape myself based on my own discoveries and developed beliefs; to shed the baggage of what I was brainwashed to believe about God, people and the world. I'm still trying to separate myself from the cult of religion (however I do still believe in God, Jesus Christ, and that will never change), debt, heterosexuality, monogamy, and a variety of "lifestyles" I had always been at odds with but could never quite understand why.

I still secretly want the acceptance of others and fear their rejection and admonition. (God knows I've had some really rough spots with people in the past. ) For the longest time, I was tempted to take the popular way of believing and doing things because it caused less friction and generated more acceptance. But when the end of the day comes, and I look in the mirror, I have to ask myself: Do I like who I am and what I did today? Have I been true to myself? Did I adhere to my own set of ethics, morals and beliefs or did I take the coward's way out and say and do what pleases others more than what pleases me? Am I who I set out to be today?

I am constantly struggling with self-identification and actualization in an environment and culture that encourages, and damn near demands, homogenization. Like my friend, I acknowledge that there is great risk and potential repercussion in admitting to people that I don't support forcing animals to perform for our entertainment (circuses, et al). I don't like to be around children and never want to be a parent - ever. I enjoy attending clothing optional events. I won't tolerate fat jokes from people. I won't tolerate racism, sexism, ageism (you get the picture). I identify as a bear. I do not revere youth or hairless bodies. I do not believe men are invisible or unsexy because they aren't buff or are older than 16. I refuse to lie about who I am and what I do when confronted don't apologize for who I am or what I do. I insist on speaking up, as a matter of principle, when others assume I (and everyone around them) think, feel and believe the same way they do. I struggle with my body and weight despite believing we should love ourselves as we are. I enjoy musicals without apology. I love my cat as an important part of my family. I love my friends as my chosen family. I don't have the kind of relationship with my family that I wish I had, sans a few cousins and an aunt. I don't expect or tolerate less respect from my family than I do everyone else. I don't blame my weight and failures on my family, society or anything else. I believe we all should take responsibility for our life and our choices.

I try to type and examine myself, either publicly or privately, without abandon, yet as I typed all of the things above, I have a slight anxiety about the comments and feedback that could come from it. However, the other side of me is always relieved when I put out such things. I never fear someone venting me from their life because of my comments. If it happens, it's going to happen. old_age, being the child that he is, vented me once too often recently, and now that's over, and for once (through the numerous bouts of this I've had with him), I'm totally okay with it. But I am nothing if not an open book, at least I try to be with people. The bravery is not so much being without fear, as it is overcoming it and saying and doing what you think is right anyway, regardless of the risk.

Because we're in the mode of exposing things (not that you pervs), here are a few more things I'll bet you didn't know (maybe didn't want to know) about me and/or might be surprised to learn. Some of these things I might not have ever said before either. I believe love can encompass sex and lust, but does not require it, and vice versa. I think people should give more and take less. I think people should give out what they expect in return. I think it's OK to not like somebody. I hate when people assume things about me, even if they're right. I think violence is wrong and should be avoided as much as possible. I think we all think we know what we'd do "if. . . . " until we really have to do it. I think we all can be our own heroes. I think too many people do what is popular over what is right. I think too few people stick by their ethics and morals because it's too hard. I think we tend to resent others who live as we want to but are too afraid to. I think we offer our opinions too often when they're not solicited. I think too few people can admit they're wrong. I think many people don't know how to sincerely apologize. I think smoking is bad for us and non-smokers should not have to be exposed to smoking. I don't like getting drunk, although some recent bouts would say otherwise. (Shut up.) I don't like being around people who are drunk. That's obvious, given my present situation. I don't like hearing people brag about how drunk they got or are going to get. There is no honor in that sort of braggadocio. I sometimes resent men who are thinner than me and in good shape. I sometimes resent people who have and have had it easier than me financially. I wish I was a professional artist but don't have the drive. I wish I could just write music or articles or blogs for a living. I wish I played piano better but don't practice enough.

I resent my family for thinking I am crazy when I was just out of high school, and talked about having me committed to a hospital. It boiled down to the fact that I didn't agree with how they thought I should run my life. I think I am a great sexual partner, even if I don't think I have the physical beauty to get a sexual partner. I would have plastic surgery and liposuction to improve my body if I could afford it. I am more afraid of everything and everyone than you will ever know. I know that I unintentionally hurt people sometimes with my jokes and wisecracks. I have had sex with people I am not attracted to because I didn't have the heart to tell them I wasn't attracted to them. I've also endured through mediocre sex just to get to the orgasm, and get the person out of my house. I worry people think I'm stupid. The one place I believe I am superior in knowledge and skill is at writing. I am never sure where the line is between arrogance and pride, but I'm going to push it anyway. I don't believe marriage is for everyone. I wish I looked, sounded and acted more "butch" sometimes. I do sometimes seriously wonder if I have a split personality. I think hate speech should be banned. I'm not sure I would stay with me if I were my husband. I don't like pants below the waste line or caps on crooked, huge black pants that are like tree trunks, hanging with wallet chains on some 17 year old still trying to rebel against the system.

Most of all, I like/love some people more than they know. I like/love some people less than they realize. I think most people like me less than I what I realize, yet they'll never tell me. However, being kept at arm's length isn't something I'm blind to. I get it. I just want to be your friend, that's all. I wish more people understood me. I still don't feel grown up all the time, despite everything I've been through. I like Ronnie Milsap, Air Supply, The Imperials, and 'Nsync, unashamedly. When I was about 12, I was in a car with my mom, my little brother, and my mom's friend Sandy. Out of the blue, I popped up and said, "I wish I were a woman." My mom about died. There's an incident with lipstick, a pair of heels, and bikini underwear as a kid that I'll never tell. I do not want to be a woman and love being a man, or a close facsimile thereof. I'd rather people dislike me for who I am than like me for who they think I am. Guilt is a driving factor in my life, but I'm changing that. I'm aggressive with people because I have huge anger issues inside. The surest way to piss me off is tell me what I should think or do. When I get angry, I get vengeful. When I love, it is with all my heart and soul, and it sucks when I don't get it back; I deserve to get back what I give out. I defend others more easily than I defend myself. I really do believe what I say and try to practice what I preach. I know and believe I'm not perfect. I do think I try hard to be a better person but I fail at it a lot. I go back and correct old posts when I see there's a typo, and the older the post is, the more upset I am that it's been out there that long with a spelling error in it. Of course, I don't always catch them either, ever. I can be very petty and passive-aggressive. I hope everyone read this to the very end.

I wish my blog generated more comments than it does. I'm grateful for the devoted readers and commentators I have.

Neerb naes, uoy knaht.